Child's Play
by Afalstein
Summary: "That's a big treehouse." Gibbs and Tony are investigating a missing teacher. But the kids they're questioning... well, they're very odd.


**Child's Play**

"That's a big treehouse."

"Focus, Dinozzio." Gibbs warned as they strode up the walk toward the house.

"What? I'm just relieved at the chance to be able to talk to some normal kids for a change. After those creeps at the mansion…"

"Let it go, Dinozzio."

"I swear! They were talking in unison!" Tony insisted as Gibbs pressed the bell. "What kind of family seriously talks in unison?"

Gibbs just sighed and tried to tune Tony out. They were investigating a Naval Lieutenant who'd disappeared from his part-time job as a teacher at the local school. So far no leads had turned up, and they were going around to his various students, hoping to catch a break. Not all of the agents were handling it so smoothly. Even Gibbs, who considered himself fairly good with children, was starting to grow weary of the routine.

The door cracked open and Gibbs offered a smile at the ten-year-old behind it. "Hey there, is your father…"

"An ADULT!" The boy swept the door open and pointed some kind of toy gun at them. "How did you gain access to this facility?" He demanded.

Gibbs simply blinked, sizing up the red turtleneck, bald head, and glaring sunglasses of the pint-sized fury before them. Tony's reaction was a bit more overt. "Kid, what the heck?"

The boy pulled the trigger and let some red pellets fly, striking Tony square in the face. "Ah! Not cool, kiddo! Assaulting a federal officer is a…"

Putting out a hand to steady his understudy, Gibbs reached into his pocket and produced his badge. "I'm a federal agent. I have clearance."

"Those sort of credentials will do you no good here!" insisted the junior. "State your business!"

"We've come to ask you about your teacher, Mr. Ramburgen." Gibbs explained.

The boy's eyebrows narrowed suspiciously. "Wait here while I consult with my superiors."

The door slammed shut. Gibbs and Tony had just enough time to exchange a bewildered glance before the door swung open again, and the boy reappeared, now with some sort of PVC phone. "I have been instructed to assist your organization in whatever way possible." He answered with a nod, exiting the house and shutting the door behind him.

The two agents exchanged another glance. "That's… great." Gibbs nodded. "Now. Your teacher, Mr. Ramburgen. Has he been okay the last couple days?"

"An intriguing question." The boy began to pace back and forth on the walk, rubbing his chin. "Mr. Ramburgen had been recently placed under our survellience for noted adult-like activity."

"Okay." Gibbs just nodded again. He could work with this. "What kind of activity?"

"_He assigned a science reading_," hissed the boy, with surprising intensity.

Behind him, Gibbs heard Tony give a sigh. "Okay." He pressed on. "What did your 'surveillence' reveal?"

"Ah." The boy seemed to think. "0800 hours, Numbuh 5 carried out surveillance on the target. Subject issued a quiz on the aforementioned reading. No extra credit questions. Listening bug successfully planted on target's desk."

"Listening bug?"

"Beetle Understands Goobledeygook!" the boy stated proudly, holding up a dead fly. "An invaluable device. Contributed immensely to our surveillance."

"Right, right, the surveillance." Gibbs waved. "Can we get back to that?"

The boy frowned but continued. "0900 hours. Numbuh 4 skips class to continue observation of subject. Subject visits teachers' lounge, rendering observation untenable. Numbuh 4 believes, from scent analysis, that he drinks COFFEE, a noted adult-beverage."

"Yes? And?" They seriously weren't paying him enough for this.

"1100 hours. Numbuh 1—" something about the way the boy puffed his chest out at the declaration seemed to indicate that this was HIS codename, "—takes over observation. Quiz is once again assigned. Lunch break. Target drinks MORE coffee, and consumes a rye sandwich with lettuce and chicken. He also eats an APPLE."

"Right. After that?"

"Numbuh 5 commences observation." The boy frowned suddenly and seemed to deflate. "Nothing notable recorded."

Tony and Gibbs again exchanged glances.

"1300 hours," resumed the boy, picking up some of his old intensity. "Numbuh 2 begins observation. Target is observed using a cell phone and drinking more COFFEE. At 1330, he leaves the classroom and enters an old storeroom. At 1345, he leaves. Numbuh 2 investigates to discover large quantities of GOGGLES and some sort of long white coat." The boy held up a finger before Gibbs could comment. "Our intelligence suggests they are the uniforms of a secret army he is planning to amass! Doubtless he is already training them in the hidden area of the school known as 'science lab,' trapping innocent children and turning them into mindless SCIENCE SLAVES!"

"That's… not really what I said, Numbuh 1." Another boy, much chubbier and wearing a pilot's cap of some sort, poked his head out the door.

"Numbuh 2, I believe I give the briefings around here?" The first boy sent a defined glare at the newcomer, who paled and ducked back inside. There was a light snicker behind Gibbs.

"Science Slaves." Gibbs pretended to make a note of it. "What happened at 14:30 hours?" That was the last time any of the teachers had seen Lieutenant Ramburgen.

"Oh…" Again the boy seemed to deflate, but now there was a slightly sheepish quality to it. "Well…" He rubbed the back of his head. "To be honest, that… that was when Numbuh Three took over, and she can… well, you know how she is."

"Not really. Why don't you tell me?"

The boy sighed. "She… got distracted at the school's Rainbow Monkey Reading festival. She lost the target."

"Great," sighed Gibbs. He had just sat through an utterly nonsensical rehashing of information they already knew. Dinozzio's grin could practically be FELT on the back of his neck. Gibbs supposed he should be glad at least SOMEONE had gotten something out of this interview, even if it had been mostly entertainment.

"The last she saw of the target, he was getting into a van with some other adults," remarked the boy offhandedly.

Gibbs and Tony froze. "What kind of van?" asked Gibbs carefully.

The boy screwed up his face in thought. "She said a 'Hugs-A-Lot' van, so… dark blue. Said the guys were wearing masks like it was winter or something."

"Um." Tony cut in. "She didn't… by any chance… notice if there were numbers on the back… did she?"

"Of course." The boy rolled his eyes. "Leave it to HER to notice something infantile like THAT."

"What were they?"

The boy shrugged. "I don't know. The van wasn't part of our surveillance."

Gibbs eyed the boy with new interest. "Who is this 'Number 3' again?"

"I'm sorry!" The boy resumed his old watchfulness. "I cannot divulge the identities of covert agents of our organization!"

"Thought your superiors said you were supposed to help us out." Tony pointed out.

That seemed to stump the boy momentarily. "One moment." He held up a finger, put the PVC phone to his ear. "Moon Base please. Authorization Code Four-Five-Six-Charlie-Ice Cream. This is Numbuh One, requesting permission for releasing…"

Tony sidled up to Gibbs. "Y'know, when I was a kid we just played cops and robbers."

"New age, new games." Gibbs shrugged.

"…yes. Yes Ma'am. Yes, I understand. Thank you, ma'am." The boy made a clicking sound and turned to face them again. "I cannot tell you who Numbuh 3 is."

Gibbs closed his eyes. "Look, kid, this is important. We're…"

"…we're also observing Mr. Ramburgen." Tony put in, nodding solemnly at the boy. "We're the Anti-Science division of the government, we're specially trained to deal with matters involving science slaves."

The demeanour of the boy changed instantly. "Oh really?" His eyebrows arched high above his glasses. "Well, why didn't you just SAY so? That changes things entirely! I'll send out an alert right away," nodded the boy, punching imaginary buttons on his 'phone.' "The full resources of our people will be put at your disposal. Numbuh 2!"

"Yes?" The chubby boy from before poked his head out the door.

"Compile all the surveillance from Operation LAB and present it to these gentlemen." The boy jerked his head at Gibbs and Tony. "And gather the rest of the team. I think we have our mission for the day."

'Numbuh 2' shot off a salute. "Yes sir, Numbuh 1!"

"And…" Gibbs prompted, raising his eyebrows. "Numbuh—that is, Number 3?"

'Hmm? Oh. Kuki. Kuki Sanban. She lives with her folks about half a block that way." The boy pointed. A new idea occurred to him, and he brightened. "I could assist with interrogation if you…"

"NO thanks kid. You've been very helpful, but we'll take it from here." Gibbs offered the boy a wave and turned to go.

Tony crouched low and winked at the kid. "We'll stop those nasty science slaves." He nodded.

"Wait!" The chubby kid rushed out. "Our surveillance data." He handed Tony a lunchbox.

"Uh…" Tony tried not to wince as he took it. "Thanks, buddy." With another nod, he got up and hurried after his boss.

"Better get that to Abby to analyze the data." Gibbs ordered.

"On it, boss," replied Tony. Then he saw the expression on Gibbs' face. "I mean, good one, sir."

"Kids these days." Gibbs muttered, taking out his phone. "Whatever happened to backyard baseball?"

"I think they turned it into a video game," frowned Tony.

"McGee, look up a Kuki Sanban in the school registry and give me her address. We may have a witness." Snapping his phone shut, Gibbs signaled to Tony. "Let's get moving."

"At least this one should be easier to talk to." Tony reasoned.

"Don't be so sure," warned Gibbs, shaking his head.

"C'mon, boss. Who could be kookier than that last kid?"

* * *

"OH! And then they had the Dashing Sleuth Rainbow Monkey at the corner window, so I stopped to look at that, but Mr. Ramburgen looked like he was getting lonely, so Mr. Fluffliupkins and I got into Hippy-Hop and followed him down BroadWay!" The squint-eyed Asian girl cheerily thrust forth a little cup. "More tea, Mr. Nice-Agent-san?"

Gibbs leaned over to Tony. "You HAD to ask."

* * *

**A/N:** Oh wow. I have no idea where this came from. KND was the first major fandom I wrote for, so it's fun to return to my roots, but honestly I was just working on my NCIS/Person of Interest crossover, and suddenly it occurred to me: What would Gibbs think of Sector V? And funny exchanges kept popping into my head, so eventually, I just gave in and... got this. Hopefully you enjoy it.

The cover is partly a stock photo of Gibbs, but also partly a kid cosplaying as Nigel, from limey404's "Is this real life?" work on DevART.


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